Taking care of LU XUN for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the Lu Xun unit.


**Introduction**

 **Congrats! You managed to get yourself a LU XUN unit! He is in high demand, so be fucking happy you even got him! This unit is one of our best sellers ever since Dynasty Warriors existed! (Do not count the first game. That was shit.) This young man/little boy is what kept us in business even when the video game character stock market crashed! Onto the basics of the LU XUN unit. LU XUN used to be a stray puppy that got turned into a human being by some freak accident at Koei back in the 90's. That was a wild time. And now the LU XUN unit is all yours, cuteness and mixed idiocy intact! Not to mention his boner for anything able to burn things!**

* * *

 **Comes with**

 **One (1) DW6 probably-offensive-to-Native-Americans outfit**

 **One (1) DW7 crop top-that-was-half-attempted-to-be-turned-into-a-shirt with coattails outfit**

 **Seven (7) DW8 better-but-still-won't-protect-you-from-attacks outfits**

 **Two (2) swords that are totally originally designed**

 **Two (2) pairs of shoes**

 **Two (2) Qing Dynasty-esque hats (I don't know. You want him to have a hat? We'll give you some hats.)**

 **A buttload of matches (3-) (That's meant to be a butt shooting crap.) *Then scribbled over* (Don't draw that in the manual!)**

* * *

 **Name: Lu Xun (Real name is Lu Yi)**

 **Gender: Male**

 **Other names: The Pyro, Generic anime dude, Birdie, Smoking Hot, Literal Smoking Hot, FIRE ATTACK , Lu Xun Dynasty Warriors (Google is a bitch.)**

 **Famous for: Wu's strategist next to Zhou Yu for years until Lu Meng and Lu Su showed up, History: supposedly smart and was decent, ROTK: OMG A++++, ZHUGE LIANG'S RIVAL NEXT TO SIMA YI OMG, WU WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED WITHOUT HIM, EVERYONE IS IRRELEVANT**

 **Spouse: Sun Ce's daughter that history didn't want to give a name to**

 **Children: Lu Yan, Lu Kang (The more famous one)**

 **Age: Jeez... Um... We could only hope... Koei, save us-Ah, he's 17... The fuck?!**

 **Appearance: This kid with spiky hair and red clothes. Has the face of that smart-ass Asian kid you wanted to punch in high school.**

 **Striking Features: Not much on him is very unique. He can easily blend in with a bunch of high schoolers or maybe even middle schoolers. How about: His hands are always holding matches. That's _striking_ , right? Right? Well, screw you. ** That wasn't funny, Suzaku. ***scribbled over***

 **Build: Skinny, anime skinny**

 **Quirks: HE. LOVES. FIRE. LIKE. IF. IT. WERE. HIS. WIFE. HE'D. MARRY. FIRE. IF. THAT'S. LEGAL. (LGBT-FIRE Rights 2016!)**

* * *

 **Instructions**

 **Your mail carrier may complain of the box catching on fire suddenly, but you say to him/her it's fine as this is normal procedure for obtaining the unit. It's how you know he's still alive and non-defective. If the LU XUN unit doesn't set his own box on fire, then he's dead/defective. Send him back before midnight tonight to get your full refund. That's what those buttload of matches are for. He's a nice little boy, so he'll use his good boy manners with you. Use your good boy/girl manners with him too if you don't want him using those matches on you.**

 **Care**

 **The LU XUN unit can clean himself, thank you. Put your hands where I can see them. He loves a really hot bath. Like, really hot. Water that would make your skin scratchy and red from just being in it for a second. The reason he could withstand the heat is due to his skin being microscopic pieces of pixels that are resistant to the elements. That's why he can't burn himself most of the time. He hates the cold though. Do not let him outside during the winter while stop him from playing with the fireplace. Or you don't have one. Then that's great then. LU XUN here is able to eat most items and enjoys himself some spicy dishes. And he isn't forty, so yay! No Taco Bell-filthy bathrooms! His stomach will bounce right back from those chili bombs!**

 **How to keep your unit happy**

 **He's a very happy person. When you let him do what he wants. Do not be a bitch about him burning your homework. You can always make more homework or switch to using computers for homework. What time period are you in, 1985? This is the age of the computers, beeyotch! Anyway, you should be fine if you do not have any thing of value in your home that could face being scorched up/blown apart. You're happy, he's happy. You can have him watch you use the stove. It surprisingly has the same narcotic effect for him.**

 **This unit will leave or disobey ( or KILL YOU) if...**

 **You be a bitch about his habits (Only the people he works with can do that.)**

 **You just outright tell him he has a problem (They can do that too.)**

 **You have either the LU MENG, LU SU, ZHOU YU, or SUN QUAN units around (He'll disregard you and see them as his masters.)**

 **You snitch on him for the string of arsons in your area (Snitches get stitches or in this case, scorched.)**

 **You send him to rehab**

* * *

 **Skills**

 **-Can start fires from anyt hing (Perfect for camping trips.)**

 **-Chinese literate and fluent (We can't forget about that.)**

 **-Eh, he can seduce female workers for free stuff? (Disclaimer: Might only work on teenage girls working minimum wage at the mall)**

 **-Boy toy for porn (He's your cash cow if you do can exploit this part.)**

 **-Model (It has a chance of working. Move to somewhere in California to get the most out of this. LA recommended.)**

 **-Oh yeah, he is smart when he's serious**

 **Romancing**

 **Yeah, yeah. I got it. LU XUN is young, so he is pretty inexperienced on the concept of love. It's your job to teach him that. Uhhh... I guess just be a nice person and let him be himself and he'll find himself attaching himself to you. Time to put those dating sim skills to the test!**

 **Oh, you're a dude... Um... Really? You want this guy to... Oh fine, we all are weirdos for romance. He's impressionable, so you could probably rewire him into being gay. Yeah. If you have some skills in coding, you could rewrite his code into him liking men. This will void the 24-hour warranty you have on the LU XUN unit though.** Suzaku, you know that's not possible. Only Izuru or any other programmer at KoeiTecmo could do that. ***scribbled over***

 **Modes**

 **Normal**

 **Pyro *Active most of the time while in Normal mode***

 **Anime Shojo Sempai Lover *Locked until romance levels reach max***

 **See Also:**

 **ZHU RAN: The dude who helped him carry out an infamous fire attack, is LU XUN'S best friend/person to be paired off with in fanfiction**

 **LU MENG: Master, Sempai/shifu**

 **LU SU: Master**

 **ZHOU YU: His other master**

 **SUN QUAN: His master**

 **CAO PI: According to the fans: His boyfriend, According to official lore: They butt heads a lot back in Warriors Orochi (That's basically the same thing to fangirls.)**

 **FAQ'S**

 _ **What's his length?**_

 **I don't know his dick size! Stop asking me! He's a teenager, it's probably under-developed! Ahhhhh!**

 _ **If he's so smart, why does he orgasm at the sight of fire?**_

 **All smart guys have a quirk. It's a given. Please see our GUO JIA unit as he has a drive of a Californian frat boy (He LOOKS like a Californian frat boy.) and our ZHOU YU unit for his obsession with his hair. We'll send you the whole list of our strategist units and their problems. The SIMA YI and JIA CHONG units may take up a good number of the page.**

 _ **Oh my god, he's seventeen? Does that make me a cougar?!**_

 **Hmph, didn't think of that. Oh well. Don't trust our superiors about his age. He might be forty for all we know. Just don't think about it as LU XUN obliviously looks at your vagina like it's a weirdly shaped portal on a girl.**


End file.
